From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
How to Be Kinder to Yourself as a Writer
Maybe this scenario feels relatable to you: you’ve scheduled time to sit down and write, you’ve made coffee in your favorite mug, and now you’re sitting at the computer staring at the blank screen, but the words just won’t come. No matter how hard you try, you keep flipping over to scroll Instagram, getting up to switch loads of laundry, or adding tasks that pop into your head to your to-do list, and before you know it, your time is up and it’s time to move on with the day. And you’ve written maybe 100 words.
I’ve been there more times than I can count. It’s one of the most frustrating feelings as a writer—when you did everything you needed to do to ensure a successful writing session, but when the time is up, you’re left feeling discouraged with how little progress you made.
It’s easy in these moments to slip into harsh self-talk—to spend the rest of the day mentally reprimanding ourselves for not getting the work done when we had the chance. After all, writing time is hard to come by. How could we have blown our opportunity to make solid progress?
But just because it’s easy to jump to being self-critical doesn’t mean it’s helpful. While it might seem like tough love is the best way to ensure our future writing sessions are more productive, my view is it’s often the opposite: giving ourselves grace and being kinder to our struggling writing selves often goes further than mentally punishing ourselves for not meeting the goals we set out to accomplish.
Understanding Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic is that voice in your head that is constantly picking at you for not doing well enough. It’s the voice we often must battle that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re wasting our time, or we’re silly for even attempting to reach our goals.
But here’s the thing about your inner critic: she’s more often than not a liar. Your inner critic is your brain’s attempt to keep you from attempting something that threatens your ego. Writing is challenging, and our brain knows that challenging things come with the risk of failing. So, instead of saying “go ahead, this sounds like fun,” your inner critic jumps in and “reminds” you of all the reasons attempting this task is a bad idea. Not because you can’t do it. But because your brain is trying to protect you from experiencing what it perceives as failure. And it will come up with any lie it can to keep you from doing so.
That’s where your inner critic comes in. When you have a writing session that was less than productive, it jumps on the opportunity to berate you and use that fact as evidence that it was right all along. You’re not a real writer, your inner critic says. If you were, you’d have been able to get words on the page.
Sound familiar?
We tend to go along with this inner critic easily—after all, shouldn’t real writers be able to actually write words? And since we tend to believe that tough love is the answer, we let that inner critic have a field day and completely take over our thoughts. We tell ourselves this is helpful—that by being hard on ourselves and identifying all the places we went “wrong,” we’re preventing this from happening again.
Except, more often than not, the next time we sit down at the computer to write, all those thoughts come right back to the surface, and we find ourselves paralyzed once again.
And the cycle continues.
Why Self-Compassion is a Better Option
As I’m writing this, I’m coming up on a self-imposed deadline for finishing a round of revision of my next novel that I’m almost certainly not going to meet. This is after I already pushed the deadline out a month when I realized I wasn’t going to meet the initial goal post I’d set for myself.
I’m not feeling great about missing this deadline, of course. While there’s no detrimental consequence to not finishing by this arbitrary date, it’s a disappointment for sure. But while I could sit here and allow my inner critic to run rampant and berate me for all the ways I messed up the last few months and set myself up for failure at meeting this goal, I’m instead choosing to show myself grace and understanding. There were very real reasons and circumstances that prevented me from showing up for this manuscript as much as I’d hoped to the last few months. Of course, there were moments where I could have been working on my story rather than scrolling social media or watching television at night. But while it’s easy to look at the situation in retrospect and yell at myself for “wasting” that time, I know it serves me better in the long run to look at those situations with grace and understanding: yes, I could have been writing in those moments, but that wasn’t what my body needed at the time. I wasn’t scrolling or watching TV because I was being a “bad writer,” I was doing that because my mind was overwhelmed with many other things and needed a break. If I’d pushed myself even though my body was telling me not to, I might have met my deadline, but more likely I’d be even further behind and on the verge of burnout right now. And rather than my deadline being pushed by another couple of weeks, I’d likely be even further from meeting my goal than I currently am.
Allowing yourself to have self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook for not doing what you needed to do. It’s about looking at the situation as a whole and understanding why you didn’t do what you need to in order to reach a certain goal. And by looking at the underlying reasons, you can then consider how you can do something different if that same situation arises in the future. For my situation, perhaps aiming to schedule my writing sessions earlier in the day when I have more energy will serve me better than penciling them in later in the afternoon when my mental energy is solidly in business mode. For someone who spent their writing time distracted by social media, putting the phone on do not disturb and out of reach might be helpful in the future.
By approaching the situation with self-compassion instead of self-criticism, we allow ourselves to focus on finding solutions for the future rather than spending further energy feeling discouraged about a situation that’s over and done. No matter how much we make ourselves feel badly about not meeting a writing goal, we can’t go back and do something differently. What we can do is give ourselves grace, look at the situation from a compassionate perspective, and try to do better in the future.
Giving ourselves self-compassion allows us to feel safe in future moments where we may not be doing what we need to do to reach a goal. For example, while I’m disappointed that I won’t reach my time goal for completing this revision, choosing to be self-compassionate allows me to keep moving forward rather than repeating that self-critical tirade each time I sit down at my computer going forward. It acknowledges my disappointment but also tells me that it’s okay. Nothing catastrophic happened because I didn’t reach this goal, and nothing catastrophic will happen if I can’t meet the next one. I’ll keep moving forward at whatever pace I’m able to and keep making progress towards my goal, even if it’s not as quickly as I’d like.
3 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion in Your Writing Life
Choosing self-compassion over self-criticism takes practice. It truly is a choice we must make over and over again to avoid falling prey to the inner critic waiting to jump all over us. But here are some ways you can begin to actively choose practicing self-compassion in your writing life:
1. Notice Your Self-Talk
Paying attention to how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling can take a conscious effort. Since our self-talk is often automatic and rooted in deeply-held beliefs, these thoughts often run through our minds without us even noticing them. But they contribute to our moods and beliefs about whether we can achieve something. When you’re struggling to meet a writing goal, slow down and note what thoughts are going through your mind. Then ask yourself if this is how you’d speak to a writing friend who was in your position. If you wouldn’t say this to a friend, why do you say it to yourself? Consider what you’d tell that friend instead.
2. Name and Normalize the Struggle
Writing is hard for everyone. You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed or uncertain in your abilities. Reminding yourself that this is a normal part of the process can help you be more compassionate with yourself. After all, if other writers are dealing with similar struggles, that means you’re part of the “real writers” club, not an outsider looking in.
3. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Outcome-oriented goals are great because there’s a clear way of knowing you’ve completed your goal. But the downfall with them is that if you make some progress but don’t complete the goal, it’s easy to slip into being hard on yourself. While it’s great to set outcome goals, it’s also important to celebrate any effort, even if you didn’t fully reach the goal. Small progress is still better than no progress, and keeping that mantra front of mind goes a long way in shifting away from self-criticism and toward self-compassion.
While we often believe that tough love is the key to becoming more productive, the truth is that self-compassion and grace tend to take us much further. When we meet our challenging moments with kindness instead of criticism, we create space to reflect honestly on what got in our way—and to problem-solve without shame. This approach not only helps us avoid the same pitfalls in the future, but also makes it easier to return to the page without the looming fear of beating ourselves up if we fall short again. Every time we choose grace over guilt, we build a writing life we actually want to return to.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in this cycle—of showing up with the best of intentions, falling short of your goals, and then spiraling into self-doubt—you’re not alone. I wrote Write With Confidence for writers exactly like you: those who want to write but feel held back by perfectionism, fear, or a loud inner critic. Inside, you’ll find mindset shifts, practical strategies, and gentle encouragement to help you show up for your writing with more clarity, confidence, and compassion. Because building a writing life you love doesn’t start with discipline—it starts with believing you’re allowed to try, to stumble, and to keep going anyway. You can read it free in Kindle Unlimited or purchase you own ebook or paperback copy here.
